Why can't I be THERE???

Why can't I be THERE???

 

As I sit here in Aberdeen I continue to wonder...Why... Why can't I just BE THERE???

 

I have found an amazing group of women to take on this journey with, the bond within my family is even stronger than it was before, the kids LOVE going to school everyday, and I am getting blessings after blessings.

 

But I can't help but hurt inside and ask WHY? 

 

 We are almost three months into our move and I am having WAY more good days than bad days now.  It is such an amazing place to be and explore.  However, my heart just HURTS!!! 

 

The first hurt came when all of our family birthdays started.  Missing a good party is just NOT MY THING!!!  You can be turning one or  21.... I WANT TO BE THERE!!!  I first thought that if I just pretend they aren't happening then maybe that will be easier, but that didn't work.  I know to some it is just another birthday and they will have more, but I just wish I could be there to celebrate!  Please know that just because my body is not there to eat a piece of your yummy birthday cake, my heart is completely THERE!  It is hugging you with a birthday hug and eating the rest of the ice cream while you aren't looking. :)

 

The next hurt came as I begin to hear about our MOPS moms and some of their struggles with life and change.  I JUST WANT TO BE THERE!!  I want to hug every mom and tell them it will be ok.  I want to take them to dinner and make them laugh so they will not hurt or feel all alone for at least for that night.  I want to keep their kids so they can go and have some time to their selves for for day.  I want to make them dinner so they will not have to worry about what to cook because they just had a precious new baby!  I want to have a playdate at my house so all of the moms and kids can come over and play.  WHY can't I do that? 

 

The hits of wanting to be THERE just keep coming.  The neighborhood we left behind was a group that we will forever call our family.  I would do ANYTHING to be able to just wrap my arms around them.  I'm pretty sure when I see them all I am NOT going to let them go!  Get ready for our visits because I'm pretty sure I'm going to cry the whole time.  I want to be there to help prepare for those precious twins.  I want to drop off and pick up all of our kids at school.  I want to ride bikes and eat dinner until Dad gets home.  I want to talk for hours in the driveway just because we can!  I want to have girls nights that will be cherished forever.  I want to be there when you take on new challenges with your kids.  I WANT TO BE THERE!

 

And then we have the hurt that brought me to my knees!!!  My precious Elsie.  The love that I have for this woman is beyond words.  Elsie is my grandmother who suffers from Alzheimer's.  She has lived in a nursing home for many years in Daingerfield.  To watch a woman with such strength, love, and independence drift away a little at a time breaks down my heart.  With every visit we have with Elsie, I see a little bit more of her taken away.  I wish everyday that we had a video of the woman that she was before this illness took over.  The memories will forever be in my heart and mind, but I would give anything to show Natalie and Denman the real Elsie.  She is a woman who cared for everyone, loved with her whole heart, had more patience than all of us put together, thought about every child that entered her life as her own, took care of everyone around her, and most certainly would give you the shirt off of her back if she thought you needed it. 

 

The phone call that I have been dreading since she entered the nursing home came this weekend.  Elsie is not doing well and they needed to call Hospice to come in and watch over her.  They don't know how much longer she will be with us on Earth so now we all just take it day by day.  I pulled out my computer and started to find flights to get there as fast as I could, started packing bags so that the kids can go with me, cried my eyes out and kept asking WHY WHY WHY CAN'T I BE THERE??  And I continued to hear the words... Wait!  Just Wait! 

 

The miles between here and Texas have NEVER felt so far!!!  The time it would take to pack.  The time it would take to get there.  The time that Elsie has left.  The time that the kids would have to miss school.  The time we would be away from Rusty.  The time I had missed out on being there. Oh why does time feel so important right now!  My heart just aches and wants to be around my family and friends now more than EVER!!!!

Know that as I hurt and want to be there I am praying constantly, loving endlessly, and thinking about you all hourly!  I have found a way to cope with my hurt.. it is prayer!  I pray ALL the time, nonstop.  I like to think that God just has me on a conference call right now.   I like to think about how small this world really is by knowing God is in control and taking on the world one prayer at a time.

So pray with me today!  Send up your hurt, fears, and needs today!  I promise you HE will answer!

Mark 11:24  Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them.

Psalm 37:4  Delight yourself also in the LORD, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.

Matthew 21:22  And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive.

Psalm 31:3  For You are my rock and my fortress; Therefore, for Your name's sake, Lead me and guide me.